The Rev. Spyros' Snake Oil Emporium

My new favorite ad!

Hardees "Name Our Holes" campaign!

So much for "American" Apparel

As some of you might remember - a few Halloween's back I wore some aviator sunglasses, a blue polo shirt and some American Apparel gear as well as a blow-up sex doll with the words "Employee Of The Month" scrawled on her as a costume.  The gag was, I was Dov Charney - head honcho of American Apparel. 

Despite what I thought of him as a human being, I liked that there was a company taking pride in manufacturing here in the US.  I should have known better.  The Obama administration has been cracking down on the hiring of illegals and surprise, surprise what sleazy hipster rag sales-man had 5600 illegals in his Los Angeles plant alone?  Yup - Dov's "American" ideal isn't so home-grown after all.  Once again here we are as a country, that because of our centuries old practices of corruption, greed and short-sightedness we deprive our own citizens of jobs, put uneducated, low income illegals at risk (don't kid yourself and think companies will help them if they get hurt) and continue to rely on foreign outsourcing (that includes immigrant labor) to make our tights and tube socks.  Did we really NEED American Apparel - did we really really NEED yet another Old Navy like/Urban Outfit-ery hipster shit store? I've shopped there before but my buck stops here - no more hot pants for the Rev.!

 

The Redneck Workout!

Thank Sierra on Facebook for this gem!

SAVE THE DATE - Monday JULY 13th!

The Rev Is Hosting a Great Big Honking Punk/Ska Extravaganza!

The Mermaid Parade Update!

Hi folks took a minute but here's the report from the 2009 Coney Island Mermaid Parade!

It rained
A LOT! But we braved it and went got down with our bad ass selves - the Crew of Otto's Shrunken Head and friends came to play! And wet and soggy we had a showing! Most photos by Amber Sexton. 

Here's the crew en-masse!

Lynn and Natasha under their umbrella ella ella ay ay

Nell Mellon and The Ottopus

Attack of the Ottopus!

Judy, Pam, Lynn and Steve at Ruby's

The Rev as Satan's Sushi chef menacing mermaids with his crew!

Next year I'm thinking the theme should be Titanicesque!

21 Ways to Be a Gentleman Dooouuucchhe!

 I stumbled upon this bullshit article about 21 ways to be a gentleman - Jesus is this brain surgery? Treat women as you would treat anyone keeping in mind they are women - below is the writers advice with my commentary attached!

1. Keeps to the right, whether he is walking on a sidewalk, down a hallway or on the stairs.

Actually what if there is a big puddle or a mean dog on the right - only an idiot is an inflexible pedestrian in an urban environment while trying to keep on a ladies proverbial good side.  What if keeping her on the left leads her right into a steaming pile of dog turds?

2. . . . does not attempt to walk and send text messages simultaneously.

What - are we morons that we can't type " c u soon" and walk at the same time?  If it's related to the evening I think that's fine if your not going to slam into a pole while doing it. 

3. . . . waits for a woman to initiate a social kiss. If she leans toward him, he turns his cheek toward her lips. And when she graces him with a light, brushing kiss, he doesn't dawdle in accepting it.

What does this even mean?  What's dawdling exactly? If this is somehow saying don't be a creep when you air kiss, there are easier ways to say it.

4. . . . doesn't wipe away a lipstick smudge in the presence of the woman who planted it on him. He bears it, even if briefly, as a badge of honor, wiping it away later with a handkerchief.

Yeah - forget to wipe that shit at your own risk if you have a girlfriend - gentlemanly behavior be damned.   Your home girl gets that shit on any where, trust me that there will be questions and no matter what you say you will be under suspicion for 6 months if you are squeaky clean a 6 years if you've had even one slip up!  I mean yeah don't be all like "ewww girl germs" and use your sleeve to get it off but get it off ASAP because:

A. You may not even know it's there and...

B. You're a man - YOU WILL FORGET AND PAY FOR IT!

5. . . . waits until a lady at the table lifts her fork before he takes his first bite.

OK I'll let that one slide

6. . . . eats the garnish on his dinner plate if he so desires.

What the fuck does garnish have to do with ANYTHING - eating parsley makes me a gentleman?

7. . . . places his knife and his fork on his plate side by side, as if they were the hands of a clock set at 5:25, when he's finished eating.

If I noticed anyone consistently doing any kind of repetitive action like this my first notion isn't that they are well mannered.  It's that they are an obsessive control freak - bet ya I'm right every time - 5:25?  Really?

8. . . . always has an umbrella to share.

OK to share fine, but what if you just didn't figure on rain?  What's all this always and never shit?  What if you forgot your umbrella but she has a great big one?  Does she NOT share it and you just look like a soaking wet loser?

9. . . . never wears a belt when he is wearing suspenders.

That makes a man well dressed and shows you have a fashion clue but again how does that make you a gentleman - so well dressed guys always treat the ladies right? Ladies - you've never gone out with a well dressed pig?

10. . . . leaves the bottom button of his vest undone.

See 9.

11. . . . never wears a bow-tie with a button-down shirt.

See 9 and 10

12. . . . owns at least one pair of black lace-up shoes.

If you only own ONE pair of black lace up shoes you don't deserve to know any women. Also there are VERY dressy non-lace up alternatives.

13. . . . usually takes his shirts to the laundry but knows how to use an iron and spray starch.

OK so having domestic skills makes you a gentleman?  No it doesn't! It just makes you self-sufficient.  It's not like you'll be ironing her blouses because if you are - and you enjoy it - question yourself really seriously.

14. . . . is careful about what he says in e-mails. He meticulously reviews his messages, editing if necessary to make sure recipients will understand what he's saying — and the tone in which he says it.

OK I'll give this one a pass as well but this is just common sense - NOT CHIVALRY!   

15. . . . knows how to make a grilled cheese sandwich at 2 a.m. and an omelet at 7 a.m.

I see our author has REALLY high standards - a grilled cheese is the bar we set at 2 AM for Knights is shining armor - so romance is all about feeding late night munchies! Oh and am omelette is the step up? 

16. . . . doesn't flaunt his newest gadgets, no matter how expensive or cutting-edge they may be.

Impossible to do especially when n accosted by my girlfriend's CONSTANT bragging about her iPhone! Plus what opportunities are there to flaunt any gear other than your phone - if you are bragging about your laptop you look like a fucking a super-geek and if it's about your car then you have a tiny penis.

17. . . . feels no necessity to wear socks after Memorial Day — at least in casual situations. If he is Southern, he may not even wear them to church.

Excuse me - no socks!!! Do you mean mandals - you must because if you knew what my feet would smell like after a day in NYC humidity, walking around without socks you wouldn't say something as asinine as this.  Ladies - how do you feel abouut flip flops?

And what about the blisters you sadistic asshole?  Finally, if my mom ever caught me without socks in church - and I don't care if the Devil himself brought hell on Earth it was so hot - I would get at he slap of a lifetime.

18. . . . never wears the same pair of blue jeans two days in a row.

Oh please - there are Denim Geek websites now that tell you not to even wash your denim as the oils that accumulate on them season and condition the fabric. I think this a load of hooey but who cares if you double dip on the Diesels?

19. . . . puts the liquor away when he wants guests to leave.

No, only an asshole passive aggressive little pussy boy makes subtle hints when he should be a man and say,  "OK folks but I have a early day tomorrow.  As much as I hate to see you go, I have to hit the sack." People I can't say that to because they will take offense don't get to step in my home.

20. . . . always offers to get up and make the coffee in the morning.

What if my man doesn't drink coffee - what if the lady doesn't?  WTF with the always - how about always wakes up and offers to buy brunch or always offers to do the DISHES the night before - I bet that would get you a SHITLOAD more points!

21. . . . never waits for something better to turn up.

WHAT?  Something better?  When? In the mail?  To turn up - like what you are walking down the street hand in hand - he sees a hot blond who makes eye contact and then he goes and sniffs her ass?  Who "waits for something better?" You should never stay with someone if your not interested but gender is irrelevant to this.  It's evil to lead people on in any situation - not just rude.

What about opening doors! Don't slurp your soup unless your with the Japanese! Pulling out chairs! Helping with a coat - OK how about listening when a lady speaks and considering her an equal when it comes to your interpersonal interactions?  How about share the remote or clean the toilet once in a blue moon?  Where did this jack-ass get this crap!  Ladies - what do you all think? 

The 2009 Mermaid Parade Float Diaries - Part II

As the days progressed we were plagued with horrible weather and humidity - as the "OTTOPUS" we were making was mostly paper mache,  NOTHING EVER DRIED - so everything took twice as long!

At one point we thought it would be smart to use porn mags rather than newspaper to cover our creature and called it the Octoporn - but we thought better of that - more so because newspaper is cheaper and the pages stick to each other better than glossy porn pages do - at least when you are using wheat-paste  that is.

The OTTOPUS Odyssey continues below!

Stay tuned for the completed OTTOPUS and costume updates  Saturday at the Mermaid Parade!

The 2009 Mermaid Parade Float Diaries

Once again it's that time of year when playful sirens and creatures of the deep converge on Surf Ave. down Coney Island way to march, frolic and debauch for the annual Mermaid Day Parade.  I had volunteered t assist the honorable brother Steve Pang in creating a savage beast from 20,000 leagues to represent his bar Otto's Shrunken head in this year's motorized float competition.  For those of you who may have forgot - our float took 2nd place in 2007!

Here's a quick photo-diary of our progress.  BEHOLD - THE BIRTH OF AN "OTTOPUS."

Stay tuned for more of the OTTOPUS!

Declare war on Sweden!

It was after midnight and I was on the 6 train coming home last night when I had this revelation.  Everyone in New York holds everyone else in slight disdain at all times.  White people dislike people that aren't convenient to them, black people dislike cops (with good reason) and white people - especially stupid impatient white people. Puerto Ricans and Dominicans can't stand each other. Koreans and Chinese have some issues with one another. Mexicans hate - actually I don't know who Mexicans hate but I would bet it was their slave-driver chef bosses. Hasids and blacks, Muslims and Jews, Iranians and Iraqis, Gays and Catholics, Greeks and Turks, Armenians and Turks - it is what it is - if you think it's different you're fooling yourself. See the wonderful thing about diversity is that though you get to absorb aspects of other cultures that make your life better, you are forced to have to endure aspects of those very same cultures that are uncomfortable, irritating and sometime plain out frightening to outsiders. This sometimes creates tension.  So where is this going...

Last night on the 6 train, or rather early this morning, a crew of Puerto Rican lesbians, still drunk from the Puerto Rican day parade where making merry on their way back home from downtown. I knew they were Puerto Rican by the flag bandannas and I knew that they were lesbians, first because of the gym teacher looks, the rat tail mullets and boys clothes but finally because there was some the sucking of some faces going on which I qualify as a dead give-away.  They were loud, they were obnoxious, they were distracting and they were bothersome.  That's when the train came to a sudden lurch and one of the bigger girls took a spill. Was it funny? Maybe - but she actually looked a little hurt and had stopped smiling. So where the fuck does Sweden come in?  OK

On the seats between said lesbians and I, was a group of affected looking, blond, blue eyed Nordic tourists - I just assume they were Swedes because they had excruciating Goldmember sounding accent - and they looked  as pure as the driven snow in a "Seka Does The Canadian Mounties" movie.  They were smiling too much and their eyes glistened with the slick of a nights worth of exploiting the well-being of the Swedish Krona at downtown American pubs.  There were both men and women in the group and they all were dressed in designer, manufactured irony as they all looked like they were about to get on stage to open up for Molly Hatchet . 70's gear, long straight hair, beards, platform shoes etc.  The worst of these jackasses was a loud, weasely looking piece of excrement - he was the one who got my attention because when the drunken Loca hit the ground he finally says THIS of all things in English, "Ha Ha Ha - Say no to drugs, yaa? Ha Ha Ha!"

My point here is one of New York pride. See maybe this group of Puerto Rican lesbians was a little loud and annoying but they are MY LOUD AND ANNOYING PUERTO RICAN LESBIANS, not yours Bjorn! They belong to New Yorkers and we belong to them!

What to do? What to do?  This couldn't go unpunished because this mendicant is wearing a head band, a pubey, scraggy beard, aviotor shades - in the train - at night, a suede fringed vest with fucking beads on it -FUCKING BEADS ON ON IT - bell bottoms with brass studs in the hems and finally the worst most horrible affront was that he had the four symbols you see on Led Zeppelin album covers, tattooed on his forearm and the "Swan Song" Icarus symbol from those same albums tattooed on his bicep - say no to drugs indeed Sven - especially before you go under the needle.  We get it Jr.  You likes you some Zep.

As I got up to leave, I abruptly cut off the Swede's chortling good time by leaning over this rodent and fairly loudly and slowly saying, "why don't you shut the fuck UP douche-bag!?"  They all shut the fuck up and stared at one another in that irritating, doe in the headlights/tourist about to be murdered by the crazy giant man, manner. It was a small token of my sometimes admittedly fascist love of New York, but I hope they got the picture.  New Yorkers can bitch and make fun of each other all we want - we earned it - SWEDES - especially fake HIPPY SWEDES - ARE NOT ALLOWED TO - EVER! Thanks for IKEA now go back to Stockholm bitches!

A (Du är ett rövhål means you're an asshole in Swedish) Men

Why can Holloywood never get it right...

...even when someone makes it easy for them.  Here's the Rev's trivial fan boy gripe today.

I recently found out that Josh Brolin was cast as DC Comics' Western anti-hero, Jonah Hex.  I like Brolin.  I think he's dry enough to pull off the role well - my gripe is with te make-up.

Check the below image of Hex.  Note the wonky eye and drippy melty face scarring that fuses his mouth shut. 

OK now check out Brolin below - note how they downplayed the level of scarring!  Of course I assume that would have to do with some asshole scriptwriter or producer or director or publicist or marketing prick thinking that heroes CAN'T be TOO ugly on film can they!  That was the whole point of the character - that scarred up horror movie mug MADE Jonah Hex!

Here's the real rub - the below make up job they applied to Aaron Eckhart as the character Two-Face in the second Dark Knight movie was pretty spot on for Hex!  I mean Eckhart's Two Face was only recently scarred and far more extensively than the Hex character's is traditionally drawn by DC artists so you'd have to down play the color some but the big ol' eyeball almost coming out it's socket and the exposed teeth and of course the melty flesh (my favorite part) where all done already for Hex by the designer of Two-Face!  What did they run out of enough latex and spirit gum to get it right?

Man I really have way too much free time when this is what gets my ire up on a Saturday.