So it's almost New Years 2009. You got yer game face on and ya think - tonight you're gonna make something happen - ok, here's 10 ways to make sure anything that does happen won't be good. Don't be this guy before midnight...
1. Don't break out the "going out" shirt that you bought at the mall in July, would never wear to work and haven't found one reason to wear since you bought it. Dress sharp, not stupid. If all else fails, go with black.
2. Don't start at 3:00 PM - pace yourself because I don't care how many bumps you plan to have - if you've already downed 4 car-bombs and 3 Jager shots and it's only 5:00 PM - dude take a break - don't be that ass passed out in his own puke.
3. Speaking of bumps - don't go cocaine crazy. No one wants to be around the guy who has lost the ability control his face.
4. Hair gel has been proven to lower your intelligence - lay off the product this year.
5. Don't be the over-aggro, prove-some-shit jackhole. Look you probably won't get laid tonight, and as of the 2nd you'll be back at the job you hate and you'll be broke because of the 10 Patron shots you bought to bribe the party you're with to tolerate you. Don't compound the situation by having the bouncer hand you your ass in front of everyone.
6. Don't be the emo, moody, wallflower, douche! Oh, you all know him - that asshole in the corner, miserable for the sake of female attention. Look - keep your lame game out of the party man.
7. Hey Drunken Man Whore - put down your 5th Long Island Ice Tea, take a deep breath and really look at that girl you're taking home - no really - look really hard - squint if you have to!
8. Don't block the cock - dude making your friend NOT get laid tonight will NOT get you any.
9. Don't bug the DJ to play that song you heard at Marquee last night and please, put the iPod away - no one cares how awesome your new playlist is.
10. Don't, by any means, break up with ANYONE at midnight on New Years - aside from it being shitty, you will get a lifetime's bad juju, the threat of horrid retaliation and finally, it's so fucking cliche. Also, don't drive drunk, don't take the brown acid and don't make ANY resolutions. Deciding that the New Year is significant enough a reason to make a life altering change is no way to plan your life.