It's back! The Douche Review lives! Here's this years jerks, jack asses, morons and just plain out evil son-uv-a-bastiches!
1.TMZ: Yes I know you thought t was going to be Perez Hilton - again -no this year the assholes at TMZ have taken the douche-cake - first of all they stretch out really mundane boring crap features, presented with bad cheese-ball voice overs every time it's was a slow Amy Winehouse week but even worse - the baby face, hipster correspondents on this this shit-storm should be out protesting the war, not digging though George Clooney's garbage! Shame on you. Go volunteer for Green Peace or something!
2. That guy who belted Snooki on Jersey Shore: OK yes it was great TV BUT she is A. A girl B. tiny - I mean itty bitty - she's like a Poke-person and C. Like her or hate her she was just sticking up for her friends at the time. On top of it all this guy get arrested AND loses his job - nice move dip-shit.
3. The "Balloon Boy" Family: Oh go fuck yourselves already - not only did you exploit your child's perceived safety to get on TV but your goal was to get on REALITY TV. DOOOOOUUUUCCCCHHHEEES! This kid's family is like something out of a modern day Dickens novel! Can I have more sir? MORE? Not until you get your lines to the press right! Please child services - get this poor kid out of these people's clutches.
4. Rush Limbaugh: yes I know - old news but I just have to say - Rush - please die already you junkie, pill-popping fuck wad! The world is a better place with out you.
5. Chris Brown: Dude - you hit Rihanna? Like the hottest woman in pop-music. She's like so hot it hurts to look at her. And you messed up her face? That's like taking a shit on the Venus De Milo! What is WRONG with you!?
6. Tea Party "Patriots": Look I get it man. I don't trust the government either. I wasn't all about the bail out but hey none of you jack asses had a better idea. I didn't here any bright ideas on the right's side as to how to fix the cluster-fuck we were in. All you do is bring the crazy out. No really have you listened to yourselves? You don't sound patriotic - you sound like whack job, racist, red-neck ignoramuses.
7. Mayor Bloomberg: OK so since you've been in office we can't smoke in bars anymore, you let real estate run rampant ESPECIALLY in N. Brooklyn to where there are barren, abandoned construction sites everywhere, you put TABLES AND CHAIRS in the middle of TIMES SQUARE and your bitching about congestion, you fucked Coney Island and you are still letting Albany nail us in the caboose at every turn. Oh yeah and you stole the last election when in reality you shouldn't have even had the chance to run!
9. Mark Sanford: Not a good year for relationships over-all. So you were hiking - riiiiiight. DOUCHE!
1o. Tiger Woods: Another case of "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?" No NOT because he cheated on his wife. No NOT because he was juggling multiple "relationships" at the same time. It's because why, WHY the fuck, if you know you need to dip your driver into multiple holes would you settle with one one woman in the first place. There is no crime in being a horn-dog, but why not just lead the Hugh Hefner/Gene Simmons/Derek Jeter lifestyle and forget about trying to be a "family man." Hell if I was that young and that successful I'd be out with every young starlet under the sun and FLAUNTING that I didn't need to settle down. Hell I'd have swim-suit models, show-girls and cheer-leaders on retainer! Tiger - you're a DOUCHE! Not just any douche but the A#1 ichiban douche of 2009! Also learn how to text moron!
Happy 2010 kids!