I used to run with a group of friends that had a motto. never let the Rev. near the drugs - not let never let me do them - just don't let me handle them. The reason is I was always the guy to sneeze on the mirror or spill water on the blotter sheet. I was always the one who coughed into the water pipe with the last of the stash in it. I would be the guy showing up at the Rave with the shit for everyone who then realized he had ripped a hole in his pocket when he climbed the fence to get into the party in the first place. Iwas that guy that would put my cigarette in your freshly opened can of beer completely accidentally! I'm not making this up - I wasn't a dick or a snake but I was a klutz and a jinx of disastrous proportions.
So why share this? No, I'm not prepping to go on a crack bender but here's two examples of how this is still a problem.
Yesterday I went to get a glass of water out of my faucet. I was wearing a large Army jacket at the time as I was about to leave. As my hand with the glass reached the spigot somehow my sleeve got caught on it, running cold water down my arm, which of course made me jump. Well wouldn't you know it I hadn't closed the cabinet door above me and as I jerked away I caught my head right on the corner of it! I dropped the glass but by dumb luck alone it didn't shatter - then I spun around and didn't realize how close I was to our kitchen table and the corner of my jacket caught a full glass of what I think was my girlfriend's soda. BARELY missing spilling it on to her beloved lap top.
There's more - today.
I've been on a fresh jalapeno kick - trust me once you use nice fresh jalapeno peppers to cook with you'll never use the canned or jarred shit again. OK so that said here's what happened. After cutting a shitload of 'penos, what did I do? I'll be graphic - I picked my nose - stop wincing I was just cooking for myself - you won't find a booger in your food if you come over - and really I barely got in there - more of a scratch that a pick. It felt like I just snorted Satan and he was having a party in my sinus cavity. Saying it hurt is like saying we have a slight unemployment problem right now. So much as you'd expect my eyes started watering ... which then of course made me rub my eyes, which of course blinded me for real. Ladies - fuck mace. If you want to stay safe on the street just handle some fresh jalapenos before you go out and grab your mugger's face.
Finally - to date I have recently stubbed the same toe on the same edge of the same storage unit in my house seven times - and stubbed it like right in the corner where the nail and the toe meet where it really fucking hurts! It's not like this piece of furniture is chasing me around - it's always in the same place and I'm ALWAYS bare foot when I smash into it.
I will be updating the klutz report on the regular granted I live through my own un-coordinated stumbles through my apartment.