My girlfriend is an awesome writer who makes a living writing books, columns, ad copy and all kind of fun stuff. She is excellent at what she does and I've been told also clean, fast and a top notch pro.
That said, this is what it would sound like if my girlfriend was the narrator on Animal Cops.
"Today on Animal Cops we go to Detroit where - Oh MY GAwd WHHOOOZ A BOOO!? That is the CUTEST Oooooo look at his little tail - that is SOOOOOOOOO sad Ooooo I would SO TAKE Him home - helloooo cutey! Hello - look at those EYES! OOO lookit him - I'd name him barky. Aaaaawwww!"
I'm home, sick with an inner AND outer ear infection, throwing up because my equilibrium is to shit, and I have the misfortune of watching this douche ass show called Hell's Kitchen - America's Top Model for chefs, and of course there is some challenge and the boys and girls are separated and there is reward and a punishment for succeeding or failing at something retarded like identifying the taste of a raw egg yolk while blind-folded. The girls win and are rewarded by getting to eat IN THE FUCKING DARK! with the douche bag fascist task-master host as if this is some fantasy want someone in chef-land has , while we watch via martian green night vision lenses ala "One Night In Paris". How does the losing men's team suffer? They have to eat tripe, liver and tongue - and these wuss-bags are retching. I LOVE tripe! Liver? Bring it the fuck on with onions bitch! Tongue? - a little mustard and a pickle and we are soooo GOOD! These assholes deserve to be flipping burgers at Arby's for their lack of palette sophistication. Now granted maybe they brined up or blanded out the cooking on the punished's food, but fuck, on Fear Factor non-chefs ate steer testicles and liked it and these wilting lilies can't stomach some tripe (pun VERY intended) Fuck these shit-heads A(get me some head-cheese!)Men!