You know how shitty comedians make fun of other shitty comedians by writing little vignettes about "...black guys are like this (insert something stupid) ...and gay guys? gay guys are like this (insert something stupider)...what's up with that yo?"
OK this IS one of those cliche bits - just some simple things women do that make men's lives miserable...
Today's Chapter - Browsing
OK I DO browse. I browse at comic shops, guitar stores, sporting goods stores and maybe for a minute in a store looking for a shirt, but when I want a can opener, I go to the .99 store and get one. Bed Bath and Beyond, Crate and Barrel and everything in between are places where women can spend hours, DAYS if it were allowed, contemplating the cuteness of a cat shaped salt shaker and the quaintness of a duck shaped butter dish! Much like in Footloose - the powers that be knew dancing lead to sex! Men, you should know BROWSING LEADS TO SHOPPING!!!!
Some of the worst browsing man traps ARE:
- Ikea: You will spend an eon looking at cheap, fiberboard furniture with unpronounceable names, till finally they tell you they don't have what she thought she liked in the catalog and guess who'll pay for it? You will - in the car - all the way back from New fucking Jersey!
- Sephora (or anything like it): By the time you're out of there she will have spent $150 on a small tube of lip moisturizer and inevitably also have spent $50 on some bizarre product for you (it's always shaving related) that you'll never use.
- Any place that sells candles and soap: Nuff said.
- Any place that sells anything from India, China, Tibet or Mexico: These stores are deceptively evil because they seem serene and harmless, even appealing because they feature sculptures of dragons or demons carrying weapons with fangs and skulls. Some of this stuff would make a decent tattoo you think to yourself. It's only after you start realizing the ornate beaded pillows on your couch with the Japanese dragons on them, are really not that comfortable to crash on, that you start to see your girl's evil plan. Then the incense dust from cheap wooden burners starts showing up everywhere smoking out your vital man-scent with wafting plumes of lavender and before you know it your valuable man space is being invaded by statues of Ganesh, cutesy Day of The Dead Dolls in bride and groom motifs and evil little, laughing at your pathetic ass, Buddhas in various manifestations.
- Underwear stores: Sounds like a hot prospect at first but if you think holding her bag while she tries on jeans is a self-castrating experience, try holding her bras - and why the hell do they make you hold anything anyway in those freaking cases!? Why don't they just take their shit into the changing room with them! Also if your the only guy there and she's in the changing room and your holding frilly shit and looking guilty (as guys always do - even when we've done NOTHING wrong) you also look like the store perv!
- Gourmet Food Stores: Whole Foods especially! I just want a can of Bumblebee, slathered in Hellman's, with celery and onion bits, on some rye for a meal and much like that can of Pepsi in that Suicidal Tendencies song, SHE JUST WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME! No - I need to have Pacific Northwest raised organic macrobiotic tuna. Of course you can't have that with out Tofu-naise the lady at the condiment display tells us. Additionally the resident box boy at this place will recommend Turkish truffle infused EVOL (extra virgin olive oil for those men out there that still own their own balls) and Russian black olive relish as well and of course gluten free bread. Then we wait on the freaky ass long line with every douche-bag yuppie and their mother clamoring around me and I finally get taken care of by some poor schmuck getting minimum wage because he/she needs the health benefits, which makes the whole process that much more depressing. BTW The man-wich = $1.00. The whole-foods-wich = $9.75.
- Chocolatiers - It's not that men don't love chocolate - it's that men shouldn't ADMIT that they love chocolate. It's fine if your alone in Godiva buying for your honey, but if your in their together you're admitting you'll be sharing this confection - that's just not right. Sure champagne and chocolate covered strawberries is good for birthdays or St. Valentine's but on the day to day, jerky, corn chips and beer are man snacks.
- Netflix: Yes I know it's not a store but did you know you could have his and hers movie lists on the same account. I highly recommend it because if you have a shared or public list so some of your friends on Netflix can see what you've watched and what you thought of those movies, I don't want anyone to think I liked The Queen because I thought the acting was "moving" and/or "provocative"
That's all for today folks.