The Rev. Spyros' Snake Oil Emporium

The All American DOUCHE Review!!

That's right boys and girls it's time for your new DOUCHE REVIEW!  This one's all bout our great country's system of check, balances and doucheiness!

1.  stupidfuckingredneckasshole.com - OK OK that's not really the name of the website but if you like little dick inspired, ignorant Right Wing diatribes tune in to this guy.  He's the usual Republican loving asshole that debates things like global warming and defends what we're doing in Iraq to death.  There's some shit there about morale this and American way of life that, veiled anti-gay statements - the usual shit.  The scary part is this guy isn't stupid.  And his readers (hood wearing, cross burning types) aren't either.  That's my problem with the Left.  While they make performance art inspired protests to make a point, they don't fight idiots like this on a one on one basis.  They either "don't stoop" to his level or get so damn overly excited (kind of like I am now) that they would never be able to sway this idiot's followers into a different way of thinking.  Check out this post in which he tries to make a hero of Danny Bonaduce - anyone out there ever see Bonaduce's show?  He's a fucking WING NUT! And this guy is trying to make him seem like a defender of our freedoms - a martyr in fact - DOOOUUUCCHHEEEE!

2. While we're on the topic of right wing NUTS! Check out this bitch. She is like a fucking D-LIST Ann Coulter and being an A LIST Ann Coulter is aleady sad! She makes infantile jokes like calling Tom Brokaw "Tom Broke-jaw" because he dared to question this RIDICULOUS wall we are putting up on the Texas/Mexico border.  Any of you ever been down that ways?  The AMERICAN people that live on the border of Mexico on the Texas side need housing, better hospitals, better schools, better health care for their elderly - not an expensive wall that will keep NO-ONE out.  If the billions we've spent on the drug war in this country hasn't done shit to keep the drugs out, what makes anyone think a wall on the border will keep illegals out. 

Plus, what the fuck is with you people all up on Mexicans.  Mexicans fix your dented fenders.  Mexicans spackle your walls.  Mexicans change your sheets at hotels.  Mexicans wash your cars.  Mexicans cook your food (because you know for damn sure Mario Battali's fat ass isn't churning out 40-50 dishes during a dinner rush) and Mexicans trim your hedges.  I would like to see EVERY illegal Mexican on American soil today not show for work for a few days simultaneously and then see what would happen to the economy that week.  Finally the only people at fault for hiring illegal labor are employers.  Those employers are American.  Blame them not the illegals!

DOOM the movie!

DOOM! Have you all watched this piece of shit movie!? Great fucking game! DOOM was the first game I played on a network.  The first game I knew to have cheat codes! The first game I played against peers real times simultaneously!  DOOM! Game of Games! The movie fragged me bad! Holy shit was it crap!
The Rock was retarded in it and the plot...wait WHAT PLOT!
I can't wait to to see what they do to  CASTLE WOLFENSTEIN!
Die Hollywood DIE!!!!!! PAAAIIINNNINFUUULLLYYY!!!!!

Prohibition soon?

Is it me or is New York becoming a Mormon town!?  I sit home today with the beginnings of what I think will be a nasty cold and watch the local news.  Some local politico is lobbying to get chocolate milk taken out of school lunches.  He's not worried about those gray hamburgers with that layer of bubbly grease or that fucked up heat lamp freshened pizza. No. Getting rid of chocolate milk in the cafeteria is the solution to our children's woes.  It's one in a series of events that makes me believe that eventually we will be told what and when to eat, drink, fuck and think! We are heading toward a terrible time of prohibitionist reform!

You remember prohibition don't you? Of course you do. They taught us about it in school.  They also showed us that the prohibiton of liquor is what let organized crime flourish. Good work folks.

After that drugs were the big evil defilers of the American way, and coke, pot and opiates eventually became our menace.  As we can all see the "war" on drugs was and is a losing proposition.  There is no winning the war on drugs.  All we do is postpone the inevitable legalization that will raise our GNP in a way we haven't seen since the Industrial Revolution!

More recently we had a smoking ban in NYC bars.  Yes smoking is bad.  I smoke and I hate myself for being a bitch to a finger long piece of rolled paper stuffed with a dried plant but it's my choice.  The idea that it was to protect employees is ridiculous.  If bartenders didn't want to inhale smoke they shouldn't work as bartenders just like if cops didn't want to get shot at they shouldn't be cops. The idea that the ban has INCREASED business is also asinine. If you have to go outside to smoke you aren't drinking!  You are also more apt to go to the next bar.  In the time you take to go from the first bar to the next - guess what - YOU ARE NOT DRINKING! Also it has created a quality of living issue for those who live near bars.  I did a little experiment right after the ban with a few friends at the Knitting Factory.  We wanted to see how much we drank (and this crew LOVES to drink) and other factors concerning our new situation.  This is what we found.
1. We drank what we estimated to be 2-3 less cocktails than we normally would.
2. Every time one person went for a smoke another joined.  As the night went on this went from 2 people smoking on the street to 3 people to 5 to 7.  The litter started to pile up despite the ashtrays outside
3. Also every time we went out for a smoke we were a bit drunker and there was one or two more of us.  The noise level started to skyrocket.

Why I don't like Dane Cook

You ever see someone once, just once and then know without any shadow of a doubt that you do not like this person. So tonight I'm watching Dane Cook's Vicious Circle, a stand up routine that was executed in a circular theatre with the audience at a 360 degree POV to the performer. It looks like about a 6-7 camera shoot for HBO, with overhead shots and big concert lighting.  First of all Dane has that just got back from a three week drive to Portland look that is completely manufactured.  Just enough stubble trimmed under the chin, product enhanced stand on end couch surfer hair, one black terry cloth wrist band, the just thin enough t-shirt and the boot cut jeans.  Douche.

Why don't I like this guy?
He's not funny.  His jokes I've heard 1000 times before and he's just shy of having real balls.  He's like the Christian rock equivalent of comedy.
There are so many amazing comics doing shit that is truly different and unusual and FUNNY and HBO gives this milk sop a show? Jeez - this guy still males jokes about talking back to the screen at a movie.  No game whatsoevAH.
Here's a list of comics FAR funnier than Dane Cook that deserve their own shows.

Judah Friedlander - I got to meet Judah at a show I ran downtown and I was like "HEY - you're the dude that played Toby in American Splendor".  Judah is a great guy and very funny.  If you don't believe me catch him on 30 Rock.  His character is subtle but he steals many a scene.

Patton Oswalt - I fell in love with this guy and his cohort Brian Posehn when during the Comedians of Comedy thing the two of them started talking about what GIANT comic book geeks they were.  Patton and his crew are truly unafraid to give themselves a shot in the jaw for a joke.

Ron White - AKA Tater Salad - HBO please look at this guy.  He's like a modern day red neck Dean Martin!  Fuck Larry the Cable Guy! WE WANT TATER SALAD!

Rick Shapiro - I thought Rick got his break on HBO's Lucky Louis, but no, they canceled the show.  It was a funny show but more than one actor on the show didn't understand how to deliver sitcom lines including creator Louis CK.  Rick I first saw at the Bowery Poetry Club and I couldn't keep up.  He was so damn machine gun a stream of consciousness that I sometimes forgot I was watching stand up and for a minute I really thought I was witnessing some guy who'd forgot his meds on stage who was about to lose his shit. It was great!

That's just a few of manymanymany comedians funnier than Dane Cook.  As I watched tonight, I'll admit OK maybe there may have been a few funny moments but the jokes are ruined because I just can't stand this douche.  I can't help it! It's like I can't debate that Blow Out douche - I mean "star" Jonathan Anton can cut some mean hair but I just can't fucking watch him because he's an asshole.

Any way on the bright side, Borat is up for an Oscar.  Maybe there is hope.

List of 10 things that are just past their due dates as of 2007!

1. Gawker - These guys are soooo done.  It was cute in the beginning, reading pithy remarks written by people who have all together too much free time on their hands.  Personally, I'm much more a Gothamist guy right now.

2. VICE Magazine's Do's and Don'ts section - Dear VICE - please find a new joke.

3. The SONY PS3 - Wow - it just came out and for the first time in three generations of consoles Nintendo and XBox seem to be kicking it's ass.  Too little WAYYY too late and absofuckinglutely WAYYYYYYYYYYY too much hype!

4. Hugh Hefner - OMG DIE ALREADY YOU WALKING CORPSE!!! And that Girls Next Door show is so damn irritating that the women on it could be executing full on Mexican donkey shows and still find a way to annoy me!

More Douchelike data

Yet another dose of douchey data for your asses!
1. Trans Fat Nazis! - I am going to start a joint called the TRANS FAT CAFE - where we will serve everything made in shortening.  We will deep fry pork fat IN TRANS FAT based cooking products, in fact if you want, you can just get a big bowl of shortening FRIED IN SHORTENING! Enough already! The Rev. anoints Trans fat a sacrament!

2. Lebowski Fest - I liked this movie until the Trekkie-esque morons turned it into a geek fest and this is coming from a pretty steadfast fan boy geek.

3. Dick Cheney's daughter - OK his daughter is openly gay and now she's going to have a baby! She is the 4 ton pink elephant in the Republican's living room no one wants to talk about. I LOVE THIS WOMAN!  She can have some of my sperm if she wants another kid!  C'mon Dick! Renounce your daughter like a good quasi despot! Re-VEAAAAL yourself DEMON - the Rev. commands it!

4. This next DOUCHE is SUCH a DOUCHE - I found him on Craigslist. I figured just linking to him would be an injustice to just how DOUCHEY Mr. Douchebag McDouchelicker is!

Please reply to the DOUCHE MASTER @ pers-246430188@craigslist.org
Here goes RACISM!
"Just imagine how cool this city would be if went after landlords and employers who rent and hire to illegal aliens! Just imagine how nice it would be do things like get on a bus or sit in the steam room at the gym and not have to listen to the Yak Yak Yak that bullshit lingo they talk. Just imagine how much more room we would have in this fine City. Imagine all the rental space that would be available to true Americans only. Imagine all the room on the city streets we would have and less traffic. Can someone please tell me why in the name of God our we not punching employers with big fines, and taking over the property of landlords who rent to Illegal aliens! And can some please tell me how can American civil rights apply to people who ARE NOT AMERICANS! More an more cites are doing this for the love of God why our we not doing this here! It’s the perfect answer to get rid of this big illegal aliens problem.    It’s time to get they fuckers OUT OF HERE !!! I’m so sick of looking at them I’m so sick of listing to them talk that lingo they talk. If  the they said to you as an American that to end this problem all Americans must donate $20.00 to put them on a bus and send them back, I for one would sent a check for lots more. It’s time to start doing something and going after the landlords and employers is the way to do it! Do you agree AMERICANS!"

Please find this puss-bubble, this shit-stain and disapear his ass! FIND THIS BLIGHT ON OUR COLLECTIVE GENEALOGY AS HUMANS and sterilize his ass before he breeds!  The irony is that it's assholes like this guy that end up buying Russian or Phillipino wives from catalogs.

Albert - we harldy knew ya

As some of you might have read on Judy McGuire's blog there was a death in the Poulos/McGuire household. I found Judy's pet bird Albert, deceased in his cage this morning. So what do I do? Be the supportive boyfriend right? - as long as I don't have to touch the dead bird as I skeeve easily. Judy did make me poke him with a stick to make sure he was dead though.
There were two strange moments this morning I still can't get out of my skull.
1. There have been these weird toxic headache inducing odors in our little nook of Williamsburg. I hoped that Albert wasn't the proverbial canary in a coal mine.
2. Our friend and neighbor Breuk Iverson (publisher of 11211 magazine) had given me a gift of an animated talking Darth Vader figure because he knows what kind of geek I am for this kind of shit. I put Darth next to Albert's cage thinking he would like the company. This morning it didn't seem so cute that Darth was staring into Albert's cage, light saber drawn and evident like a smoking gun. Albert had seemingly been defeated by the dark side. Darth looked like the Grim Birdy Reaper - sorry Breuk but DV had to go.

On the bright side maybe Judy's little bird buddy is now like Obi Wan Kan-Albert. Maybe he is residing on a different plane like Obi Wan was, looking out for us and giving us hints as to how to battle the dark side.
Albert McGuire 1992 - 2006 RIP.

The New Douche Review RETURNS!

Those of you who remember the blog on Girl to Gorilla's Myspace page (all three of you) already know what the New Douche Review is.  Those who do not  are welcome to use this semi regular rant as a guide to people you should throw rocks at.

1.  Those assholes that send you spam that reads - "I am Bugari Nefti the III and the executore of a large eestate left by a Mr. Pedro Re$v Spyro Sr. in Indonesia. I am in needing of your assistance!  A large sum of revenues have been left in your name Mr. Rev. Spyro.  Please provide your bank account number with routing information."  These assholes deserve their own level of hell because I bet you there is some dumb and desperate little old lady out there just to the left of her wits that will give these miscreants her info because her fucking Social Security check just isn't cutting it!

2. Royal Oak Bar in Williamsburg  - Listen up.  I grew up in New York.  I swear I am used to noise. In fact I can't sleep with out some level of activity outside.  Where I grew up on 65th St. and 4th ave in South Brooklyn we were over a subway, under a highway, down the block from the 68th Pct. and only a few blocks from the local Fire Station and Lutheran Hospital.  Believe me - THERE WAS NOISE.  I now live in Williamsburg near a bar called Royal Oak.  Some of you who read Judy McGuire's Bad Advice blog have already heard about Royal Oak and it's douche owner Benjamin.  What happens is every night packs of idiots stand outside the bar (I'm talking 13 to 20 at a time some nights) screaming at the world because they need everyone to know how damn clever or ironic they are, with no regard to the fact that some of us FUCKING WORK FOR A LIVING AND NEED TO SLEEP!  It's blatant disrespect for your neighbors and in a neighborhood like Bay Ridge or Bensonhurst or even Park Slope it would not be tolerated, but as Williamsburg is a college town without a college, people let this shit fly.  Last night was the last draw - it was kind of hot so I had to open the damn window so then I'm hearing some skank cackle at her boyfriend all night.  Fuck no.  I am planning on mounting a high power paint ball gun on my window sill, fill it with irony piercing hipster seeking pellets and go to town tonight! Look out hipsters cuz the Rev's a coming for your souls! Ahahhahahahhahaaaaaa!

3. KKKramer - Michael Richards is not only nuts and racist, he's also a douche. Now he's got his publicist spinning him Jewish WHEN HE'S NOT.  His parents weren't Jews and he never converted.  He's making a joke of Judaism to save his fucking image.  And who cares if he is Jewish?  If he's Jewish does that make him any less racist, like there aren't racist Jews!!?  He could of just done the Mel Gibson and said - "hey, I was drunk! Take me to rehab."

That's all today - please tune in soon for more douche bags.

The Rev's Band Tonight!

Girl To Gorillla
December, 1 2006 at Freddy's Bar & Backroom
485 Dean Street (corner of Dean & Sixth Ave.), Brooklyn, New York 11215
Cost: FREE
Start the holidays off right and join Girl To Gorilla at Freddy's for some seasonal cheer and old fashioned devil music! FREE SHOW. www.freddysbackroom.com  718.622.7035

Rev. Spyro's Church of Shake Yer Booty!

I was at Otto's Shrunken Head having one of bartender Pammy's (of Surf Gang fame - she played Pam the Metal Queen) wonderful concoctions  -  a Pang's Punch (it fucking glows - I kid NOT) and after 3 of theses I hadz meez a few revulashunz. 

First of all If I ever do organize a religion my followers would be Spyrofarians or Eastern Spyrodox. 
I would have a bible that was only a little longer than a haiku.
It would state this:
If I was the boss (5)
My bible would read thusly (7)
DON'T FUCK WITH OTHERS (5)
Period (.)
After that bit of enlightenment I had a conversation with Otto's proprietor Steve Pang (that's where the holy libation got it's name) and he tells me the cabaret police were giving him grief.  You heard right.  I said the cabaret police.  Well of course this made me think that Joel Grey Fosse'd into the joint in fishnets, garters, leather hot-pants, suspenders, a Gestapo hat and a badge and gave them a fine for being unfabulous.  But no the City of New York has spent your tax dollars by hiring people to insure you don't cut a rug, trip the light fantastic, swing, boogie, gyrate, pogo or do the Mashed Patata!

Last week our police department poured a foundry's worth of lead into an unarmed man.  My tax dollars could have went to more appropriate training or non-lethal weapons but no, they are spent on sending some putz into a club that gives out tickets every year's end when people take a few steps in rhythm.
So I had yet another revelation.
Why did people start dancing in the first place?
As you all might start to notice I love to use wikipedia so I looked up the word dance.
I got  these two things:

"Dance (from Old French dancier, perhaps from Frankish) generally refers to human movement either used as a form of expression or presented in a social, spiritual or performance setting.

Dance is also used to describe methods of non-verbal communication...between humans or animals (bee dance, mating dance)..."