The Rev. Spyros' Snake Oil Emporium

Why I hate America's Next Top Model

The Honorable Sistah Judith McGuire will mos def be writing on this as well but I happen to have the laptop while she's engrossed in a Law and Order re-run. 
We were both watching America's Next Top Model and both agreed Kathleen the hairstylist from Brooklyn got a raw deal.  She was dumber than a box of rocks stating she was pro-fur only if the animal died of natural causes but she's 100% round the way GHETTO-CHIC girl next door and the prettiest girl in the running.  She had an awesome booty (or to use my new favorite word -  she had kadunkadunk in the trunk!) and bad ass hair as well! Also she actually HAD a personality even if she was one wheel short of a unicycle.  Now tell me Tyra actually really sincerely wants us to believe that models are supposed to be smart!? Tyra is about as bright as a broken spatula herself.  The Rev. is officially going to follow this girl's career VERY closely and is sending a prayer to the fashion gods that this little Brooklyn girl will marry a hip-hop mogul after modeling for his clothing line and then divorce him.  She'll then use the divorce settlement to start a chain of salons dedicated to the prevention of super-model cruelty across America!

A-(two snaps and a spoonful of ipecac)-Men!

Elvis and me...

You ever have one of those nights that is just a complete roller coaster of good, bad and just plain weird? 
Some of you may know the Rev. has a side gig on the rock and roll pulpit.  I play bass for a power pop trio called Girl to Gorilla.  Well last night we had a gig at Arlene's Grocery on the Lower East Side.  That was the good part - here's the bad and weird...

Before I needed to be at the gig I went to see an old friend at one of those crowded downtown magazine parties where you eat ambiguous pieces of passed around snacky bar food and drink whatever swill the residing liquor sponsor decides to schill while you listen to crap music spun by an apathetic DJ who is surrounded by wannabe supermodel types waiting for their coke connect to arrive.  I was dressed to play (The Rev. firmly believes you need to look your best if you wish to entertain) in a black vest, a skinny tie, my favorite pair of Oliver Peoples specs and a jaunty pork pie cap.  The moment I walked into the party some drunken marketing type came up to me and said "...hey shyours likhe Elvish Coshtello!"  I thought she was fucking with me - Elvis Costello is short - the Rev. is tall.   I retorted with "...heyyyy and you're poser hipster trash..." and I walked away. I heard her then turn to her friend and say "Oh my GAWD! Didjyou here dat!? Elvish Coshtello is an asshole!"  oops.  Sorry Mr. Costello.

It didn't end there. 

10 10 10 10 10 and yet another 10

Holy shmaholey! It's 10 new things to intrigue and titillate your office bored asses.
1.Britney, Britney, Britney!  Shaving your head? Getting a tattoo? - I say...FUCK YEAH! Go skinhead on everyone's ass! Buy some Dr. martens and Oi it up!
2. My new favorite celebrity  train wreck - Tom Sizemore - this guy's show makes Danny Bonaducci look almost sane.  I love it when they flash back to him on meth in black and white - because you know when you do meth the world goes colorblind.
3. Paris Shunners! - that's right SHUN Paris Hilton.  Stop pretending she's a celebrity and she'll be spotted playing "...with a monkey while a band of midgets led a pack of goats around the room..." to get attention.
4. The 300 - OK OK I know it will probably blow but the trailer rules and it's about 300 of the Rev's peeps kicking crazy fucking Persian booty (till they got masacred) and helping to save Greece.  Spartans were like the ancient Greek versions of the Hell's Angels - They lived to fight and they killed their babies if they were born lame. Hardcore fuckers.
5. Comeback of the year (drumroll please) Martha Stewart.  The Rev. admits he's long been an admirer of Martha's New England flav.  Also I really like to show's new more live talkshowey format but bottom line, bitch went to jail for a CONSIDERABLE amount of time in media years and is bouncing back.  Her and Marion Barry should start a club called - "We fucked up and yet you like us, you really like us..." oh yeah and FUCK Rachel Ray!

Perez Hilton Uber Douche!

Why why why does this asshole's website get so much traffic?  All he does is grab info that anybody  could find elsewhere and he scribbles on it in photoshop like a 10 year old making fun of his math teacher! OH yeah and he shamelessly self promotes. I mean the Cobrasnake or LNP are original in their own way, much more fun and far more creative than this cut, paste, dis and scribble jack ass! Why is this relevant?  Why does he get any cultural cred all?  How has he contributed to anything or anyone? It's not even funny - i n fact it's so lame it's not even mean - it's just looks like the scrawlings of a retard.  Today's rubbish was about Jennifer Aniston's nipples.

Fat ass, you wish you had her career, and I bet you wish you had her nipples!
Far more interesting websites run by people with some actual talent include:
popbitch.com
kathyisyourfriend.com
holymoly.com
The Rev. recommends that you check those  out and leave trash like perezhilton.com to wither away like the nasty old pathetic tired joke it is and actually has always been.

A(I'm such a frustrated never-be!)men.

In case you didn't see this the first time around

This shit is SO DAMN FUNNY - click HERE

Oh YES - the last 10 things I found that rock - list

Why is it I LOVE to do lists?  I may never know.

10. This toilet - Remember Rotorooter? They are running a contest where you can win the mother of all luxury crappers! I would NEVER leave the john!

9. Lilly Allen - OK so I'm queer on this chick but her lyrics fucking rock - especially the song about her pot head little brother.

8. TISM - Not a new band but a really good one from down under - so far this is my favorite song. Makes you go AWWWWWW Bunnnnniiiiieeez! cuuuutee!

7. I don't even know what to make of this - Porcini porn?

6. Otaku Booty WIKKI! - Finally a site where hopeless fan boys can meet the dorky ass art school chics with the Cos-Play outfits of their dreams.

5. Ranxerox and Lubna - Yes yes yes I'm a geek and I was feeling nostalgic while going over piles of old Heavy Metal magazines and re-discovered this cyber punk flesh golem and his underage little vixen girlfriend.  It was awesome work by Tanino Liberatore.  Ahhh comics ain't what they use-ta beez.

4. Werewolves.org - wow this list is getting REAL geeky - a non-profit portal for werewolf lovers complete with werewolf porn! Howl at the moon beyotches!

3. The Besties -About to explode outta Brooklyn - you just watch...

2. Mooninite bombs - So not 1 PERSON in ALL OF Boston's law enforcement agencies has CABLE or stays up passed prime time? 

1. Finally -  If the city of Boston can sue the Cartoon Network for damages because of the Mooninites the city of New York should be able to sue VH1 for mental anguish because of the I love the hoe.. I mean I Love New York show.  This bitch is embARRRRassing

Amen

Anna Nicole...

What I'm really shocked at isn't that she's dead.  That poor girl was a mess.  I'm shocked that all these media outlets like Gawker are now saying things like this...
"Gifted with the rare combination of beauty, drive, and rapier-like wit, Smith proved that a woman could outgrow her hardscrabble upbringing with a firm sense of herself and the refusal to accept any sort of failure."
Are you for real?  This is what Gawker had to say about ANS before she died...
"Diet-pill whore Anna Nicole Smith heads to the Supreme Court today for a hearing regarding her gazillion dollar inheritance case, in which she is fighting for the money she rightfully earned by fucking her ancient, wheelchair-bound husband. In a perfect world, Smith will eschew all legal professionals and argue her case all by herself. Then we could die of happiness"
There's a special place in hell for all ya'll.
I personally think that she was offed.  Tooooo much money at stake here.
A shame a little girl has to now suffer for it.  Hope she gets hers when this is all over.

Amen