The Rev. Spyros' Snake Oil Emporium

How many times can you write about Amanda Lepore?

I'm a big fan of indy magazines.  Most of you who know me know I've worked at quite a few indy rags and though they don't pay great they are full of great people and keep my ADD at bay with all kinds of fun stuff I get to witness, learn about and in the end contribute to. 

So where's this going?

Indy magazines seem to have a pattern of circling back to the same subjects I'm kind of tired of hearing about.  Please - all you indy magazines (and you know who you are) give us a break from the following:

• Amanda Lepore
• Theo Kogan  
• As Four or Three as Four or whatever 
• Joey Arias
• Milla Jovovich
• Spencer Sweeney 
• Heatherette
• Terry Richardson
• David Lachapelle
• The Beastie Boys
• Lee Scratch Perry
• Beck 
• the Alleged Gallery
• ALife
• Deitch
• Susan Bartsch
• Nigo/Bathing Ape
• Style Wars
• Ryan McGuinness
• Shepard Fairey
• Misshapes
• Vincent Gallo
• Andrew Andrew
• Amy Sedaris
• David Sedaris
• Perez Hilton
• Bjork
• KAWS
• Andy Warhol
• Austin
• Seattle
• Burning Man
• Pharrell/N.E.R.D.
• Parker Posey
• Gus Van Sant
• Gwen Stefani
• Jean Paul Gaultier
• Simon Doonan
• Alexander McQueen
• Michael Alig
• Spike Jonze
• Harmony Korin
• Jim Jarmusch
• Patrick McMullen
• Paul and Chloe Sevigny
• The Ronson Family
• The Aoki Family
• The Gondrys

There's more, but that will do for now - folks it's a big world and we have a rich cultural heritage we can write about - I'd much rather hear about a new band than what Moby's got going on.  And the 90's didn't start and end artistically with the word OBEY. 

There used to be a magazine I loved called NEST - I knew one of their sales reps.  I asked him why the owner of NEST was folding the magazine - he said because he didn't want to repeat himself - I fucking love that. Take a cue.

Keep bending over - the fisting continues.

Wow - WaMu went Blammo.  Surprised?  Don't be.

I'm up at 7:30 AM writing this because I couldn't sleep - more because of the weather than because we are in a financial emergency.

But folks really - are we REALLY so surprised?

Let's back-track a minute.  

Let's go back to Reagan-land. Remember "junk bonds"?  This was a term very much like "sub-prime mortgage" that most of  us  didn't understand.   The way it was explained to me was it was basically fake money - speculation disguised as capitol and equity.  Well that caused quite a problem when people figured out they were a scam.

Let's move ahead to BubbaVille - land of the  Dot Coms - now I worked at a Dot Com when I still had to EXPLAIN what EMAIL was to people.  Every day at that job I kept thinking - how is it we're going to turn a profit?  I mean what we did was cool but NO ONE seemed to be interested in creating a revenue generating model - everyone just seemed to want to keep doing "cool-shit" and miraculously somehow larger companies and venture capitalist kept giving us money.  Wow!  Then all of a sudden POP! People figure out cool don't pay the bills.

So we're on Dubya Island - and we keep  hearing about these mysterious things called Hedge Funds - large un-regulated investment clumps, much of who's assets are tied are tied up in real estate.  Even the name is shady. Hedge - like hedging your bets.  So most average Joe's aren't sure how these things work but at the end of the day we get fucked and the Government wants to use our money to rebuild a faulty financial system that fell largely due to trading structures like hedge funds.  The worst part is these funds just dump their bad assets like a cancer and pick up new ones and go on making money, of course this is after they have artificially inflated the value of these investments - like real estate per say.  Any way you cut it - we get screwed.  

We were once a country of innovation.  Remember those old crusty relatives that used to say "I only buy American made products"?  Admit it you thought they were dinosaurs.  Products of a lost era.  Guess what - they were fucking right!  We don't make anything in this country anymore and the industries that we HAVE to maintain like agriculture we've screwed to hell by putting the little guys to pasture.  

All we do is trade money - and there needs to be commerce, manufacturing etc. under all that money shuffling.  Commerce happens elsewhere - not in this country.  We don't even man our on CALL CENTERS anymore - things like Customer Service even get taken overseas.  And we wonder WHY we're in trouble?  

You are at the mercy of Big Oil because the car companies won't change.

You are at the mercy of the medical communities because the drug companies find it more profitable to make products that treat symptoms rather than cure diseases.  Better they keep you alive, sick and paying.

You are at the mercy of insurance companies because the medical community is based on greed not service.

And now your tax dollar is at the mercy of a beached whale of a financial giant.

So REALLY you want to know why are we all in this trouble -

BECAUSE WE STOPPED PAYING ATTENTION FUCKING DECADES AGO! - So folks next time you here of some weird financial term on the news you don't understand- the next time you see some sleezy jack ass in a bad suit get rich overnight - the next time you think a real estate situation looks like it's out of control (I'm talking to YOU NEW YORK CITY!) ASK SOME FUCKING QUESTIONS!!!!'

A(geez does my ass hurt)men

We're being punch fucked with no lube!

So the Government is sending the cavalry to bail out Wall Street - again.  Want to know who that cavalry is?  You - us - our fucking tax dollar!  Let's take a look at how this shit works. Investment Banks make loads of money for the percentage of Americans in the highest income brackets - they then blow it bad on bad unregulated investments and the government says - oh well here's some more money - keep up the incompetence - cheerio and all that sort of stuff :) ...... >8(  WTF? That's my money!  I never bought stocks or bonds!  I don't have a mortgage!  Why are we paying for this!?  And what do I get in return for this assistance?  Health care?  Better public programs?  Better schools in NYC?  Better anything?  NOPE - I get a pat on the back and a "we're all in this together speech".    It's enough to make you climb onto a ledge naked and wave a fluorescent light-bulb at cops who then taser you to death!

 

A(my aching ass!)Men

Where The Wild Things @ BEYOTCH! AKA The Mini Douche Review!!

So I did a bad bad thing tonight.  I have a White Castle habit.  I go to White Castle on my way home and pig out on the regular.  Yes it's bad but not as bad as what I did next.

Tonight three young people - two in their early 20's who were the obvious "caregivers" and the youngest - maybe about 10 - their ward came in and disturbed my 3 Double Jalapeno Burger, Fries and Cheese Sauce ritual.

This cute as a button, little 10 year old girl was a hellion.  An uncontrollable little nuisance in a shirt that said BEYOTCH.  I kid not! they make BEYOTCH shirts in kid sizes.  She was dropping F bombs on her relatives and the customers and throwing ketchup and fries everywhere - some of which got on my god damn shirt. Her caregiver said the following; Nigger better stop trippin' - when I protested.  Again I kid not. 

She looked at me and laughed while her cousin or aunties or sisters or mommies or abducters where busy texting away on their Sidekicks.

So when no one was looking I leaned over the demon-child all 6'5" of me and said, "Little girl do you believe in Santa?"

She said, "Yes."

I said, "Do you believe in monsters?

She said, "Hell no motherfucker.  Do you?"

I said. "Yes and in fact in every Fairy Tale I every read the monsters EAT little girls that have no respect for their elders."  And then gave my best crazy face.

Now I give the little shit credit for neither ratting me out or crying but she shut the fuck up and ate her burger harassing the clientele no more, hiding behind her trashy asshole guardians.

The kid with the do-rag behind me said, "Man that shit was gold", and flashed me a smile full of fronts.
Monsters exist - they live at White Castle.  Beware little girls.

Cue Goosebumps Theme Song!

A(Mwuahhhahahahahahhahahhahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)Men

A double play Palin day!

Tina Fey was ok last night as Sarah Palin on SNL - personally I think Amy Poehler is a much funnier comic and did a better Hilary  - but the chick in the video below is sheer comic gold!

There's a bit in here about Palin being a book burner - not true but allegedly she did want to ban some books at the Wasilla Public Library - so please be sure to send them any copies of Native Son, 1984, Catcher in The Rye, The Anarchist Cookbook, No One Here Gets Out Alive, Of Mice and Men, The Qu'ran, Tom Sawyer, Uncle Tom's Cabin, Ulysses, The Great Gatsby, The Kamasutra, Farewell To Arms, Tropic of Cancer, Dracula, Catch 22, Naked Lunch, Steal This Book, text books on Evolution etc.  that are just collecting dust next to your Tivo - Come on you know only keep them their to make dates think your deep.  The Wasilla Public Library is at:

391 N Main St
Wasilla, AK 99654
(907) 376-5913

Oh Sarah your so hot but SO WRONG! And the Rev is so sick sick sick for perving on ya - hotcha!

Sarah Palin on a HOG!

Vroom vroom ya'll - you know they really ARE trying to make her into some kind of female Ted Nugent. 
She hunts, she hikes, she rides! Now we just need her on stage ripping through a 30 minute version of "Strangle Hold".

Blame It On The Greeks

Way back I had mentioned I'd be in a pilot for a show -

Well there are some webisodes online - mine is appropriately named "Blame it on the Greeks!"

Go to http://www.thehonkys.com/

Then hit the Blame It On The Greeks episode and hold on to your seat - you all NEVER seen the Rev. like this.

A (My mom's gonna be so proud)Men

Astroland R.I.P.

Yup - the sad day is here - THOR Equities finally killed Astroland. 

The Palin Girl Can Party

OK the piece of video you will be seeing is obvious propaganda.  It picture's Sarah Palin's daughter drinking ALOT.  It also pictures her and her friends throwing gang signs and flipping the camera the bird - the part that kills me is this what teenagers do - politicians daughter or not.  Who fucking cares. And honestly this shit is SO boring - now if anyone has the Bristol Palin sex tape where she's doing a three way with her best friend and an Eskimo on a Moose Skin Rug- call me.

Give the gift that keeps on giving

That's right brothers and sisters - you can now give someone the gift of FUCKING CRAB LICE.  Just log onto REVENGECRABS.COM and you can make someone's life a living hell. 

I'm not sure if I love this or hate this but it makes me think - yeah there's a few people out there I could see getting infested.  Alternately as much as I like to see myself as a good guy I could probably think of a few folks that would like to send me a Crab-o-Gram. 

I'm getting itchy thinking about it. 

A(scratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratch)Men