The Rev. Spyros' Snake Oil Emporium

Don't be THAT guy this NYE!

So it's almost New Years 2009.  You got yer game face on and ya think - tonight you're gonna make something happen - ok, here's 10 ways to make sure anything that does happen won't be good.  Don't be this guy before midnight...

1.  Don't break out the "going out" shirt that you bought at the mall in July, would never wear to work and haven't found one reason to wear since you bought it.  Dress sharp, not stupid. If all else fails, go with black.

2. Don't start at 3:00 PM - pace yourself because I don't care how many bumps you plan to have - if you've already downed 4 car-bombs and 3 Jager shots and it's only 5:00 PM  - dude take a break - don't be that ass passed out in his own puke.

 

3.  Speaking of bumps - don't go cocaine crazy.  No one wants to be around the guy who has lost the ability control his face.

4.  Hair gel has been proven to lower your intelligence - lay off the product this year.

 

5.  Don't be the over-aggro, prove-some-shit jackhole.  Look you probably won't get laid tonight, and as of the 2nd you'll be back at the job you hate and you'll be broke because of the 10 Patron shots you bought to bribe the party you're with to tolerate you.  Don't compound the situation by having the bouncer hand you your ass in front of everyone.

 

6.  Don't be the emo, moody, wallflower, douche!  Oh, you all know him - that asshole in the corner, miserable for the sake of female attention.  Look - keep your lame game out of the party man.  

 

7.  Hey Drunken Man Whore - put down your 5th Long Island Ice Tea, take a deep breath and really look at that girl you're taking home - no really - look really hard - squint if you have to!  

 

8. Don't block the cock - dude making your friend NOT get laid tonight will NOT get you any.

 

9.  Don't bug the DJ to play that song you heard at Marquee last night and please, put the iPod away - no one cares how awesome your new playlist is. 

10.  Don't, by any means, break up with ANYONE at midnight on New Years - aside from it being shitty, you will get a lifetime's bad juju, the threat of horrid retaliation and finally, it's so fucking cliche.   Also, don't drive drunk, don't take the brown acid and don't make ANY resolutions.  Deciding that the New Year is significant enough a reason to make a life altering change is no way to plan your life. 

 

A(Happy2009!)Men

This week's most awesome ads...

French Aids Awareness ads - creepy but damn cool.

A(Naked Lunch Anyone?)Men

 

I HATE CHANGE DAMN IT!

My favorite freaking Korean restaurant in the whole damn city just went tits up! FUCK!  R.I.P. Kori in Tribeca >:(

A(SO where the hell do I get my Bulgogi NOW?)Men

Me too!

Skinny bitches

Why the fuck would I respect the word of Padma Lakshmi when it comes to knowing who America's next Top Chef will be?  You KNOW that bitch don't EAT!

Have I told you how dissapointed I was in hip-hop lateley?

BUT WAIT there's hope!

I am loving the following - some old - some new - all new to me.

1. Brooklyn Go Hard - Jay Z and Santogold

2. Dark Pink Goo Mashup - Tobacco and Aesop Rock (feat. Rob Sonic)

3. It is Pitch Dark - MC Frontalot

4. Christmas Tree - Lady Gaga

5. The N Word - Baje One

6. Wassup Wassup - Rye Rye

7. Rising Up - The Roots

8. Arab Money - Busta

9. Dance Wiv Me - Dizzee Rascal

10. Getting Up - Q-Tip

JLO's weird ass baby

I love me some JLO but have you seen her kids - one looks fairly normal but the other looks like a Mark Anthony version of Brad Pitt's freaky character in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. 

 

Sometimes you just can't Bah Humbug damn it!

"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing real loud for all to hear"
From Elf.

Working the door

I used to be the doorman/bouncer at places like the Pyramid Club in the East Village in the early 90's and the Hellfire Club in the Meat Packing District when they still packed meat there  .  It was a fun job but there was usually static.  The drugged up, whacked out, knuckle-headed and those with something to prove were a constant annoyance. 

I haven't worked at a club since before at least 95 but just the other day I got to do the door for a work function in the East Village.

I noticed two things.

1.  The East Village crowd is  a nice scrubbed-clean bunch of people now.  No one tried to get into the party smelling of a week with no shower or reeking of crack.  There were no scabbed up, drippy nosed, dope fiends nodding out on the corners.  No tweaked out skinheads or freaks of any kind.   I know it's been gentrified out that way for a while but without hanging there it never really sunk in how much my old stomping grounds changed until I was surrounded by happy, sunny normal people rather than junkies, squatters, dumpster punks and gang-bangers.  Not as interesting a neighborhood anymore I must say. 

2.  Cell phone texting has made the job of club security-men infinitely more annoying.  It basically used to be if you weren't on the list well you weren't on the list.  No backsies, do-overs or make goods.  You didn't get in.  Well since the advent of texting every douche with a cell phone "knows someone" so you continually get a manager, bartender or "VIP" coming out, giving you shit and dragging the asshole in that you just told to blow off.  Luckily this was a work party so I had no real problems to deal with, just a few friends of my co-worker's friends that RSVP'd too late.  On a regular night, if I was working under those circumstances I could imagine an iPhone or two getting the stomp from my size 13 Doc Martens.  

My hats off to the bouncers - if I could invent a cell phone jammer for a club bouncers I would.  

A(Sorry this drivers license says you're 78 years old)Men

Got to love viral ads...

Check out this Levi's spot - much like that Diesel spot I mentioned a while back it totally takes pride in watching a hipster fuck himself up.