One of the she-beasts wanted to tell her date that at the office party she made lemon squares.
She made lemon squares just for him - her date.
Didn't he know those lemon squares were just for him?
DIDN'T ANY ONE UNDERSTAND THOSE LEMON SQUARES WERE FOR HIM?
JUST
FOR
HIM!
THOSE LEMON SQUARES WERE JUST FOR HIM!
and
HE DIDN'T EAT ANY OF THEM!
NOT
ONE
LEMON
SQUARE!
This last sentence was delivered in ultrasonic/uber-decibels and I told her (having had enough) BITCH, BEAGLES IN PORTLAND KNOW THAT THIS DOUCHE DIDN'T EAT YOUR LEMON SQUARES - GET THE FUCK OVER IT!
I talked a LOT of shit about Adam Richman from Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel. If you don't know the show, basically he goes to eateries around the country that have ridiculous food items on the menu they challenge their customers to eat (giant omelets, pizzas, burritos and steaks etc.). So it's a show around competitive eating and - well we all I know - the Rev. can eat some - The Rev can eat some indeed. So I was talking all this shit about how I could make the host of this show my bitch - how if he took me on I'd make him go Vegan.
Well I take it all back - I just saw this guy demolish 7 pounds of of seriously greasy hamburger and a big ol' tray of steak fries pictured below. He didn't even finish the whole thing that weighed in at 12 pounds but I couldn't even watch. While I watched I truly was starting to get queasy. I don't know what to say - between the cholesterol, triglycerides and high blood pressure I must be getting soft.
That's the legal shit - now let's talk 'roids, illegal uppers, downers and Vitamin B 12 injections and you have a whole slew of bull-shit Hollywood turns the other way about. So certain people choose to find that VACCINES (that I admit in the rare case may be harmful - but I stress it is rare) that have saved millions upon millions of lives - THAT's where the medical community needs to scrutinize our priorities and intent? Again I stress it is shit like this that makes the rest of the world hate and despise Americans.
STYL'D! Fucking Styl'd on MTV! This is SOOOOO scripted it hurts! It also highlights every annoying stereotypical character defect of every horrible douche that I've ever met from Los Angeles. That self-centered, overtly melo-dramatic actor thing you get from certain Los Angelinos and the best part is these people are falling apart over getting a job as a stylist. A STYLIST! A stylist is to the fashion world what a roadie is to the music world. Fun job but you are a step above the caterer.
Next week on MTV - WASH'd!
Seven young people have a dream! That dream is to be...
I keep telling myself that this will be it. People will have finally had enough! NOPE! The worse it gets the more we want! We are all so going to hell!
So who all did we lose in 2oo9 other than Michael Jackson.
Patrick Swayze - Nobody puts baby in a corner but somebody put Patrick in a box.
DJ AM - OK I truly think having a reality TV show where you try to save the addicted when you yourself were a rabid dope fiend is a mistake but hey what do I know?
Ted Kennedy - Official cause of death - brain cancer - unofficial cause of death - he's a Kennedy so he's doomed to suffer and die.
Les Paul - R.I.P. the TRUE father of modern Rock and Roll.
Don Hewitt - Created 60 Minutes. You'd think they would feature him on his own show right?
Walter Cronkite - Man how Dick Clark outlasted Walter Cronkite I can't understand.
John Hughes - Don't you - forget about him. Thanks for a decade of teenage suburban geek angst pal.
Oscar Mayer - My bologna has a first name it's D-E-A-D dead.
Karl Malden - Hey Karl it don't matter if you didn't leave home without it it cause you can't take it with ya man.
Jett Travolta - Open this case up please? This kid did NOT deserve to die and I'm sure if his freaky Scientoligist parents admitted there was a problem he may still be breathing.
Natasha Richardson - Nice lady - very sad and skiing is a stupid way to die. She deserved better.
Marylin Chambers - sweet sweet Marilyn Chambers. We will always picture you behind the Green Door.
Bea Arthur - Thank you for making the Golden Girls the Sex In The City for the geriatric set.
Dom DeLuise - Funny man but I'm surprised he lasted this long without laughing himself into a cardiac arrest. He was a MOOSE!
Wayman Tisdale - Cancer is an evil evil disease. Wayman died of KNEE cancer - yes he was killed due to a disease of the KNEE!
Koko Taylor - Queen of the blues! Maybe now you and Les Paul can jam.
David Carradine -Questionable circumstances, but after David's career had "choked" at least he made a "come" back. Yes terrible but unavoidable puns. I can't help myself.
Farrah Fawcett - I still have that poster as a desktop on my PC and will always remember her like she was in the 70's. That women launched a million wet dreams!
BILLY MAYS - YES THAT'S RIGHT! BILLY MAYS IS DEAD FOR ONLY 3 EASY PAYMENTS OF $19.99!
Ed Mcmahon - It was only a matter of time but I wonder if Johnny Carson had to give him permission from beyond the grave to join him - I picture Mr. Carson beckoning Ed into the abyss. EEEEED - Yoouuu maaayyy haaaaveee aaaalllrreeeadddyyy wooooooooon!
Ricardo Montalban - I hear his coffin was lined in "fine Corinthian leather."
Wayne Allwine - The VOICE OF MICKEY MOUSE IS DEAD! Lord what will we do - oh yeah HELIUM!
Mary Travers - as in Mary from Peter, Paul and Mary - If I had a hammer - I had hammer down your coffin.
Brittany Murphy - We liked Britt but COME ON - the reason there were drugs all over her apartment was because SHE WAS ON DRUGS! Do you need toxicology tests to tell you that?
Oral Roberts - One asshole, pro-life, homophobic, swindling, religious leader down - a few million worldwide to go
Eddie Fatu/Umaga - Pro-wrestler dies of a heart attack at 36. I'm sure no steroids were involved..
So it's not just about douche-nicks in 09 - it's about looking forward to 2010! Of course these are strictly limited to what makes the Rev. happy - feel free to add your own...
3. the iSlate: You all know I'm no fan of the cult of Apple but if they actually put out a tablet PC that acts like an iPhone - I'll splurge next year. Come on Jobs, don't croak and prove me wrong about your cheesy ass, over-rated, over-priced computers posing as fashion accessories.
4. Mood Enhancing Cosmetics: My hand to God companies are looking to merge make-up with "neuro-transmitters" to enhance mood in 2010. Here's where I see this going - if you can merge make-up with chemicals that enhance mood logic would have it that you could also infuse make-up with narcotics that can be absorbed trans-dermaly! Can you say I buy my X at Sephora? I see a RAVE comeback!
4. Ripped Stockings: When I was in high-school I was always most attracted to the chicks with the catholic school dress in too much eyeliner and the torn Dead Boys t-shirt. She ALWAYS had ripped nylons or fishnets on because she was just bad-ass that way. Thanks to the recession ripped hose is back! Woo-hoo we love us the bad girls!
5. The end of the Auto-Tune - Thank you Jay-Z for killing this trend - I was so tired of hearing this damn effect. It was almost as bad as when Daft Punk put out Around the World with a vocoder effect and then you couldn't spit without hearing robotic voices! Doesn't anyone just want to fucking sing anymore? Shit they were starting to Auto Tune RAP! What is the point in that?
6.Finally Detroit and Japan are making more hybrids: Does the Rev. believe in global warming? Maybe - maybe not. Who's to say that the climate won't change any way. What I do believe is that because America is forced to suck Saudi dick for oil - way too many people on to many continents are dead. Many of these people just wanted to go to work that day or feed their goats when someone slammed a airplane or a smart bomb up their asses. So isn't time we REALLY started thinking about new ways to power our lawn-mowers?
7. The new season of True Blood: No I didn't run out to see the Twilight movies ok! Truth is True Blood is a predictable, derivative, camped up Vampire trash opera...and it rules! It's a mish-mosh of Anne Rice and that movie Near Dark with a shit load of socio-political shit mixed in to it to add that X-Men/Soap Opera element and finally some awesome soft-core porn. What's not to love!
8. YEAR OF THE 80's REMAKES - In 2010 we are looking at remakes of the following:
Yes these will undoubtedly suck moose balls through a puke-flavored poop straw but oh the material I will get out of it next year!
9. The Google Android: Please please please outsell the iPhone next year so I can see the smug smirk melt away from all those obnoxious iPhone user's sanctimonious mugs. Please DON'T SUCK!
10. The Return of the Rev. full force: Yes I promise I will update my blog more often and this year I may EVEN start to proof read - maybe.
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