The Rev. Spyros' Snake Oil Emporium

Looking forward to 2010!

So it's not just about douche-nicks in 09 - it's about looking forward to 2010! Of course these are strictly limited to what makes the Rev. happy - feel free to add your own...

1. The World Cup: Last time I watched Soccer, I played hooky from work, got drunk mid-day and watched Greece take home the Euro Cup in 2004!   I can only hope for a repeat performance from my country-men this year in the World Cup since they beat out the Ukraine to qualify for the World Cup this year!  Viva Hellas! 

 

2. Iron Man 2: Warning FAN BOY MOMENT ABOUT TO BEGIN! OK so what if they screwed up the Whiplash AND the Crimson Dynamo characters by fusing them into Mickey Rourke. What if they replaced Terrence Howard with Don Cheadle as the character Rhodey (hey Terrence - I guess it IS hard out there for a pimp). So they cast Scarlet Johansson  as the Black Widow when Milla Jojovich is an OBVIOUS better choice - we get an appearance by WAR MACHINE - woo hoo! 

3. the iSlate: You all know I'm no fan of the cult of Apple but if they actually put out a tablet PC that acts like an iPhone - I'll splurge next year.  Come on Jobs, don't croak and prove me wrong about your cheesy ass, over-rated, over-priced computers posing as fashion accessories. 

4. Mood Enhancing Cosmetics:  My hand to God companies are looking to merge make-up with "neuro-transmitters" to enhance mood in 2010.  Here's where I see this going - if you can merge make-up with chemicals that enhance mood logic would have it that you could also infuse make-up with narcotics that can be absorbed trans-dermaly! Can you say I buy my X at Sephora? I see a RAVE comeback!

 

4. Ripped Stockings: When I was in high-school I was always most attracted to the chicks with the catholic school dress in too much eyeliner and the torn Dead Boys t-shirt. She ALWAYS had ripped nylons or fishnets on because she was just bad-ass that way.  Thanks to the recession ripped hose is back! Woo-hoo we love us the bad girls!

 

5. The end of the Auto-Tune - Thank you Jay-Z for killing this trend - I was so tired of hearing this damn effect. It was almost as bad as when Daft Punk put out Around the World with a vocoder effect and then you couldn't spit without hearing robotic voices! Doesn't anyone just want to fucking sing anymore? Shit they were starting to Auto Tune RAP! What is the point in that? 

 

 6.Finally Detroit and Japan are making more hybrids: Does the Rev. believe in global warming? Maybe - maybe not. Who's to say that the climate won't change any way. What I do believe is that because America is forced to suck Saudi dick for oil - way too many people on to many continents are dead. Many of these people just wanted to go to work that day or feed their goats when someone slammed a airplane or a smart bomb up their asses.  So isn't time we REALLY started thinking about new ways to power our lawn-mowers? 

 

7. The new season of True Blood: No I didn't run out to see the Twilight movies ok! Truth is True Blood is a predictable, derivative, camped up Vampire trash opera...and it rules! It's a mish-mosh of Anne Rice and that movie Near Dark with a shit load of socio-political shit mixed in to it to add that X-Men/Soap Opera element and finally some awesome soft-core porn. What's not to love!  

 

8. YEAR OF THE 80's REMAKES - In 2010 we are looking at remakes of the following:

• Clash of the Titans
• The A-Team 
• The Karate Kid
• Red Dawn
• Red Sonja
• Arthur
• Footloose
• Conan

Yes these will undoubtedly suck moose balls through a puke-flavored poop straw but oh the material I will get out of it next year!

9. The Google Android:  Please please please outsell the iPhone next year so I can see the smug smirk melt away from all those obnoxious iPhone user's sanctimonious mugs. Please DON'T SUCK! 
  

10. The Return of the Rev. full force:  Yes I promise I will update my blog more often and this year I may EVEN start to proof read - maybe.

 
 

 
 

The 2009 New Douche Review!

It's back! The Douche Review lives! Here's this years jerks, jack asses, morons and just plain out evil son-uv-a-bastiches!

1.TMZ: Yes I know you thought t was going to be Perez Hilton - again -no this year the assholes at TMZ have taken the douche-cake - first of all they stretch out really mundane boring crap features, presented with bad cheese-ball voice overs every time it's was a slow Amy Winehouse week but even worse - the baby face, hipster correspondents on this this shit-storm should be out protesting the war, not digging though George Clooney's garbage! Shame on you. Go volunteer for Green Peace or something! 

 

2. That guy who belted Snooki on Jersey Shore: OK yes it was great TV BUT she is A. A girl B. tiny - I mean itty bitty - she's like a Poke-person and C. Like her or hate her she was just sticking up for her friends at the time.  On top of it all this guy get arrested AND loses his job - nice move dip-shit. 

 
 3. The "Balloon Boy" Family: Oh go fuck yourselves already - not only did you exploit your child's perceived safety to get on TV but your goal was to get on REALITY TV. DOOOOOUUUUCCCCHHHEEES! This kid's family is like something out of a modern day Dickens novel! Can I have more sir? MORE? Not until you get your lines to the press right! Please child services - get this poor kid out of these people's clutches. 

4. Rush Limbaugh: yes I know - old news but I just have to say - Rush - please die already you junkie, pill-popping fuck wad! The world is a better place with out you.

5. Chris Brown: Dude - you hit Rihanna?  Like the hottest woman in pop-music.  She's like so hot it hurts to look at her. And you messed up her face?  That's like taking a shit on the Venus De Milo! What is WRONG with you!? 

 6. Tea Party "Patriots": Look I get it man. I don't trust the government either. I wasn't all about the bail out but hey none of you jack asses had a better idea. I didn't here any bright ideas on the right's side as to how to fix the cluster-fuck we were in.  All you do is bring the crazy out. No really have you listened to yourselves? You don't sound patriotic - you sound like whack job, racist, red-neck ignoramuses. 

 7. Mayor Bloomberg: OK so since you've been in office we can't smoke in bars anymore, you let real estate run rampant ESPECIALLY in N. Brooklyn to where there are barren, abandoned construction sites everywhere, you put TABLES AND CHAIRS in the middle of TIMES SQUARE and your bitching about congestion, you fucked Coney Island and you are still letting Albany nail us in the caboose at every turn.  Oh yeah and you stole the last election when in reality you shouldn't have even had the chance to run!

8.Muammar Qaddafi - all I can say is SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY! 

  9. Mark Sanford: Not a good year for relationships over-all. So you were hiking - riiiiiight. DOUCHE!

 1o. Tiger Woods: Another case of "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?" No NOT because he cheated on his wife. No NOT because he was  juggling multiple "relationships" at the same time. It's because why, WHY the fuck, if you know you need to dip your driver into multiple holes would you settle with one one woman in the first place. There is no crime in being a horn-dog, but why not just lead the Hugh Hefner/Gene Simmons/Derek Jeter lifestyle and forget about trying to be a "family man."  Hell if I was that young and that successful I'd be out with every young starlet under the sun and FLAUNTING that I didn't need to settle down. Hell I'd have swim-suit models, show-girls and cheer-leaders on retainer! Tiger - you're a DOUCHE! Not just any douche but the A#1 ichiban douche of 2009! Also learn how to text moron! 

 

Happy 2010 kids!  
 

Friends don't let friends...

jump to light speed drunk

One never knows!

So I'm putzing around my friend's most awesome metal website, looking for some new tunes when I notice this amazing illustration on the homepage!  Then I realize the illustrator is a guy I've known for years, got drunk with and hung out with for a while and I never had a clue he was this amazing. I mean he's a really interesting, righteous cat who's a great hang to begin with but it never occurred to me he was this talented. This is mostly because half the time I walk around with my head up my own ass, clueless to anything that doesn't have to do with the Rev.  In fact he may have even told me and I probably spaced it - why? Because I'm broken that way.

New Year's Resolution - (and I've been saying this for a while) I will start learning more about the people in my life.  I've started little by slowly but the next step isn't just asking questions about where you went to school but remembering the answers as well.

That said I bring you Songe Riddle - illustrator extraordinaire!

 

Heidi and Tom - Let the games begin!

No really - I mean noooo really?   Dr. Drew put Heidi Fleiss and Tom Sizemore in rehab together.  What's next - OJ Simpson has Thanksgiving with the Brown family and Christmas at the Goldmans?  Are we REALLY that starved for train wrecks! Mark my words.  We are only seconds away till TV turns into that movie Series 7!

Please feed more Christians to the Lions - our ratings are slipping!

JWOWW!

Oh wow Oh wow Oh wow Oh wow Oh wow Oh wow.  I just ran into Jenni Farley's (aka JWOWW from the Jersey Shore show) website.

 

It's at http://www.jwoww.com.

Here's how her website breaks down.

1. She has a design company.

2. She has a clothing "line" that features one item -  the "show off the boob job" shirt she wore on the show.

3. Her club promotion company.

4. Her motorcycle enthusiast social networking site. 

and here it gets REALLY weird

5. A weight loss drug of some kind.

6. And a link to her PLASTIC SURGEON!

Can you say Renaissance woman? 

The weirdness of 09 - a top 10 list from the Rev!

Hi folks - yeah, yeah we know there was a bunch of important shit that happened in 2009 but we would rather focus on the bizarre.  Here it is.

 

1. Woman steals a human foot - Cynthia Economou decided it would be ok to lift a human foot from an accident victim.  he was dead - he didn't need it anymore.  Police were baffled as to how to charge her because they couldn't agree on a value for the stolen item.  So is Donald Trumps foot worth more than mine?

 

2. Masturbating trucker flips his rig - This cat in Sweden decided to take a wank while driving a semi. He suffered stiff penalties. OK no more bad puns.

 

3. A toilet themed cafe opened in Taiwan - weird even by Asian standards! There is a strawberry sundae on the menu called a "bloody poop." 

 

4. Naked chicks for rain!  - Seems Indians are trying to embarrass the "Rain Gods" into making with some moisture by having their daughters plow naked. (plow naked heh heh heh - ok settle down Beavis)

 

5. Swedes say Santa's a hoax! - FUCKING SWEDES - I knew they were assholes when I posted this a few months back! 

 

6. Woman wants 3 stars tattooed on her face - wakes up with 56 - In my opinion one OR 56 doesn't make a difference if it's on your face. A Face tattoo is a face tattoo whatever the case.

 

7. A man with a knife in his chest needs a coffee - yup, this cat gets stabbed with a 5 inch knife - leaves it in and walks into a diner and orders a coffee - what can I say - I can't function without some coffee in the morning either.

 

8. Another asshole swears he's a vampire - Oh enough already!  Yes, True Blood rocks and vampires are trendy but please - you are NOT a vampire - find a personality or take some meds already. 

 

9. Cops arrest man with pot taped to his head - Ok I can explain this one - this guy was obviously a suffering pot addict and the item taped to his head was acting as a marijuana patch. Poor guy was just trying to ween of the the devil's weed!

 

10. Twitter account used to broadcast FARTS! - I love it LOVE IT! We have hit an all time low and I'm riding that wave baby!

Happy New Year folks! 

A real life bucket list

I wrote this post for Gen Art way back about the Buried Life - a project where some young men on a purple bus try to fulfill their dreams before they croak -these guys finally made a TV show, which was one of the items on their list  - huzzah boys - huzzah.

The New Tiger Woods Video Game!

High Seas Pirate Heavy Metal!

ARRRH - Thank ye Steve "I'll Send Your Soul To Davy Jones" Pang for this shanty from scurvy lads, ALESTORM!