The Rev. Spyros' Snake Oil Emporium

How far can the douchiness go????

Tonight

I just wanted sashimi.

And  @ the table next to me?

The double date.

One of the she-beasts wanted to tell her date that at the office party she made lemon squares.

She made lemon squares just for him - her date.

Didn't he know those lemon squares were just for him?

DIDN'T ANY ONE UNDERSTAND THOSE LEMON SQUARES WERE FOR HIM?

JUST

FOR

HIM!

THOSE LEMON SQUARES WERE JUST FOR HIM!

and

HE DIDN'T EAT ANY OF THEM!

NOT

ONE

LEMON

SQUARE!

This last sentence was delivered in ultrasonic/uber-decibels and I told her (having had enough) BITCH, BEAGLES IN PORTLAND KNOW THAT THIS DOUCHE DIDN'T EAT YOUR LEMON SQUARES - GET THE FUCK OVER IT!

I may have over reacted.

The 2009 New Douche Review!

It's back! The Douche Review lives! Here's this years jerks, jack asses, morons and just plain out evil son-uv-a-bastiches!

1.TMZ: Yes I know you thought t was going to be Perez Hilton - again -no this year the assholes at TMZ have taken the douche-cake - first of all they stretch out really mundane boring crap features, presented with bad cheese-ball voice overs every time it's was a slow Amy Winehouse week but even worse - the baby face, hipster correspondents on this this shit-storm should be out protesting the war, not digging though George Clooney's garbage! Shame on you. Go volunteer for Green Peace or something! 

 

2. That guy who belted Snooki on Jersey Shore: OK yes it was great TV BUT she is A. A girl B. tiny - I mean itty bitty - she's like a Poke-person and C. Like her or hate her she was just sticking up for her friends at the time.  On top of it all this guy get arrested AND loses his job - nice move dip-shit. 

 
 3. The "Balloon Boy" Family: Oh go fuck yourselves already - not only did you exploit your child's perceived safety to get on TV but your goal was to get on REALITY TV. DOOOOOUUUUCCCCHHHEEES! This kid's family is like something out of a modern day Dickens novel! Can I have more sir? MORE? Not until you get your lines to the press right! Please child services - get this poor kid out of these people's clutches. 

4. Rush Limbaugh: yes I know - old news but I just have to say - Rush - please die already you junkie, pill-popping fuck wad! The world is a better place with out you.

5. Chris Brown: Dude - you hit Rihanna?  Like the hottest woman in pop-music.  She's like so hot it hurts to look at her. And you messed up her face?  That's like taking a shit on the Venus De Milo! What is WRONG with you!? 

 6. Tea Party "Patriots": Look I get it man. I don't trust the government either. I wasn't all about the bail out but hey none of you jack asses had a better idea. I didn't here any bright ideas on the right's side as to how to fix the cluster-fuck we were in.  All you do is bring the crazy out. No really have you listened to yourselves? You don't sound patriotic - you sound like whack job, racist, red-neck ignoramuses. 

 7. Mayor Bloomberg: OK so since you've been in office we can't smoke in bars anymore, you let real estate run rampant ESPECIALLY in N. Brooklyn to where there are barren, abandoned construction sites everywhere, you put TABLES AND CHAIRS in the middle of TIMES SQUARE and your bitching about congestion, you fucked Coney Island and you are still letting Albany nail us in the caboose at every turn.  Oh yeah and you stole the last election when in reality you shouldn't have even had the chance to run!

8.Muammar Qaddafi - all I can say is SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY! 

  9. Mark Sanford: Not a good year for relationships over-all. So you were hiking - riiiiiight. DOUCHE!

 1o. Tiger Woods: Another case of "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?" No NOT because he cheated on his wife. No NOT because he was  juggling multiple "relationships" at the same time. It's because why, WHY the fuck, if you know you need to dip your driver into multiple holes would you settle with one one woman in the first place. There is no crime in being a horn-dog, but why not just lead the Hugh Hefner/Gene Simmons/Derek Jeter lifestyle and forget about trying to be a "family man."  Hell if I was that young and that successful I'd be out with every young starlet under the sun and FLAUNTING that I didn't need to settle down. Hell I'd have swim-suit models, show-girls and cheer-leaders on retainer! Tiger - you're a DOUCHE! Not just any douche but the A#1 ichiban douche of 2009! Also learn how to text moron! 

 

Happy 2010 kids!  
 

Asshole of the week!

You ever hear the story of Jesus and the money changers.  I don't by any means feel Jesus was a prophet or the son of some imaginary man in the sky.  I do think, like Buddha, Allah and Moses he made some good points - he wasn't flawless but he was on point some of the  time. Maybe the shuffling of money without any REAL FUCKING INDUSTRY BEHIND IS FUCKING STUPID he said one day and did something about it.

Well - here we are again - a nation of money changers. Yeah I know there will be the one asshole that screams I'm being anti-Semitic in this article - here let me make you feel better with a little  Hebrew proverb I love:

“Eat vegetables and fear no creditors, rather than eat duck and hide”

I think THAT's where Jesus (a Jew) was going with his point on the Money Changers.

I heard this asshole on NPR this morning who wrote this article titled the  The Wall Street of  1% in New York Magazine - he was getting me so irate I had to read the article - this guy actually sympathizes with Wall Street brokers and the rich being taxed harder - his analogy had something to do with comparing them with brain surgeons, baseball players and actresses. The medical community are some other assholes we will take on in a future post but right now here's the deal - A-Rod making a bucket of money or Julia Roberts or Elton John doesn't bother me because if I don't like what they are doing I don't buy tickets to see them, their t-shirts, CD's or DVDs and their money goes away.  They offer me something tangible I trade my currency for - entertainment.

Wall Street on the other hand -  when they fuck up we don't know it when it happens and it then has a real impact on  my friend who's wife is expecting, who loses his job and benefits, then my dad loses his 401K value and pension then my brother loses his entire business because all the companies he sold to can't get the credit to buy his goods.  I am owed commissions from a job for months right now I don't even work at anymore because the companies that bought my employers product aren't doing so well - AND THESE ARE HUGE COMPANIES I ASSURE YOU!

So in this asshole's article he talks about how Wallstreeters feel weird in a nice suit on the subway.  Really?No REALLY? On NPR he implied bankers and brokers worked HARDER than the rest of us.  Wow - I didn't' know private-jetting to Switzerland for hookers, black market caviar and coke with the CEO of some hedge fun was THAT taxing.  Cleaning a toilet seems like a cinch compared to that!

I guess the point I'm making is that Jesus (as a person, not a prophet) saw something wrong in the business of changing money for interest etc.  He saw there was a problem when financial institutions used their leverage to make money off of regular folks for basically doing NOTHING but shuffling it around and keeping a papyrus with some records on it as to who owed what goat to who.

We were owned by these shit-bubbles in finance and they sold us down the river.  They lied.  They stole. They cheated.   Think about that next time you whip out the credit card.   Think about that when you look at your now worthless stock portfolio.  Think about that when you can't afford a life or death operation because your benefits were yanked.  I just joined the NRA - am I a gun freak? - no - but THEY OFFER AFFORDABLE HEALTH INSURANCE!  Ain't that shit a trip!  Not only has the shit-hole Wall Street put the economy into put me out of a job - it's made me support a legislation that would make it easier for my mad as hell fucking ass to buy a fucking gun!

That Fanny May guy that took his own life? - I have no sympathy for him.  His family? - well I'm sad for you but welcome to the real world.  I hope you don't mind cleaning toilets.

Oh and Gabriel Sherman - author of that rat fink story - go fuck yourself - you smell of sniveling over-privilege. You sound like a rich kid that was too stuck-up to go INTO finance so you write about it.

Gabriel's other work include stories about Prep School's (someone is obviously a Gossip Girl fan) and more whining of the previously rich. DOOOOUUUUCCCHHHEEEBAAAAAGGGG!
A(FuckWallStreet)Men.

New April DOUCHEBAGS!

Yes I know you've been clamoring (all 3 of you who read my blog) for it so here it is!  Let's start with (douche roll please...........)

1. Goldman Sachs - After screaming to the government "save us - please save us"  they are now turning around saying that - you know we don't like salary caps or the controls you impose so we'll be giving the money back.  So maybe they WEREN'T that bad off as they said. Well sorry assholes the way I see it it is if you're owned by the government well then you are owned by America and America should have the last word whether you get you bank back.  It's fucked up - it's like me going to a fruit stand - eating half an apple and then asking to return other half for my money back.  Don't let them get away with this chicanery.  It is our financial institution now, after all.

2. Archbishop Timothy Dolan - "Meet the new boss - Same as the old boss!"  I don't care if he's supposed to be a cuddlier, kinder clergy.  He's vocal on the idea that homosexuals and pro-abortionists will burn in hell - Fuck him.  He's a holy douche-bag!

3. Pirates - OK I give these guys the point that they got balls - but really now did these pieces of shit think they were going to kidnap an American and we weren't going retaliate?  We have hurt people far worse for far less.  And now their answer is that they will just kill hostages if they are attacked?  Wow - allrighty then - good luck with that - let's see how it works out for you.  Not only will you be hunted down and killed, the worst part is, whatever village you hide out at, whatever farms you take over and whatever churches you seek refuge within will also get wiped out - unfortunate but true if these guys want to be thugs - America does thug better, faster, bigger and far more brutally with very little care for collateral damage. If I was Somalia I'd be worried. 

4. The "Countess" Alex de Lesseps of New York Housewives - bitch yo man is LEAVING YOUR ASS! Ha! The very worst thing I saw this piece of human waste do was go to an inner city school to "inspire" young women to what?  Become gold-diggers and marry a rich guy!  I hope you get screwed in divorce court you disgrace to New York!

5. The Auto Industry - Thank you so much for finally releasing new hybrid and electric vehicles...just in time FOR NO ONE TO BE ABLE TO AFFORD TO BUY A NEW CAR!  Good going there guys.  Of course the lack of sales will put most of these models out to pasture so there ya go - new SUV's in 2011.

6.  Ray J - OK I just don't like him - he's just a wet noodle and a waste of air time.  Not as sleazy as Brett Michaels, not as funny as Flavor Flav and not even as hate worthy as New York.  I mean he's just kind of boooooriiing.  And he runs to his mommy for advice on national TV about which skank he needs to pick on his show to be his "true love".  Mamma J wisely tells her son - the women on this show are trash and he shouldn't pick any of them  - and he acts hurt, surprised and frustrated he has to make his own decision as to who he's going to date.  Remarkable.  Dude stop being a douche and put out a decent album - you look like a clown and people laugh at you. 

OK that's enough douchebaggery for this installment - see ya next month - same douche-time, same douche-channel.

Amazing how stupid people can be.

Dr-Armando-Favazza - I am watching this fucking uber-douche on a show on an MSNBC  show called "Hooked: Tattoos Head To Toe" also a douche bag show) swear that people with tattoos or body mods of any kind are damaged mentally - that their "subconscious" is why they get ink to hurt someone who wronged them or themselves.  Spread the word - 40,000,000 Americans  have tattoos - I can't even think how many have at least one piercing.  Seek out this guy and make sure people know he's a quack with a dinosaur's ideas as to human behavior and obviously some true to life prejudice because he wrote a fucking book about it  (below) - I can consciously and subconsciously say every tattoo I got was done for a specific reason other than self mutilation.  Some deep, some funny, some just because I like the image. The show keeps saying that the tattooed are of low self-esteem or that they want to feel powerful or dangerous.  Oh yeah that's why I got a scene from "Where The Wild Things Are:" A KID'S BOOK! and a cartoon version of my cat tattooed on me - because I wanted to be tough.  I got one because I love that book and the other because I love my cat.  It's not for attention either - no one can see my ink in a normal situation and it will stay that way for the rest of my life because they are not about showing off.  They are for me and mine - trust if you see one of my tatt's I think that at the least you are not a douche and at the best you are a close friend.  These shows and these so called doctors are outdated.  Tell them so!  

The Rev. Spyro's hippy phase

Here I be as the sensitive, peace symbol wearing, cause happy, hustler bitch I was circa 90-91. I think  I was in Green Port, Long Island - nice beaches if you like jelly fish and pebble beaches - like the pebbles - hate the jelly fish and in this photo - JESUS CHRIST I look a pretentious ponce of an REM fan. Note: I HATE REM! 

look at this - SOOOOOO DEEEEEEEP I'm a picture of a photo of an enigma wrapped in a dickhead!

More shit that needs to go!

 Look here  people - you can bandy the words around all you want - it won't make them meaningful. 

Here's some recent terms that just have to go!

Web 2.0 - This term was created by some marketing douche who wasn't paying attention.  Since the early 90's, have the people that actually use this word realized that if we REALLY looked at what "version" of the web we are at, it would be more like Web version 2,099,000,890.12300990?  STOP SAYING IT! It makes you look like a retard to the people you're trying to sell your nonsense to that are hoping, praying and begging for you to come up with, actual,  real, thought-out, creative concepts! Not repackaged buzz terms fool!

Widgets - WTF already with all the widgets, applets and apps!?  You know what I want - a widget that gets rid of other widgets.  A widget whacker if you will.  I want a widgetless world where websites work wondrous wherewithalls that won't worry about wanton and  worthless words like Web 2.0 and widgets.

Content - OK please already, what are we looking for when we are saying the phrase "content"?  Video, audio, music, copy, photos?  Did we not used to call this art, culture, entertainment?  What's news any more- what's art - is it all fucking content?   The cereal in my box of Captain Crunch is content - yummy, crispy (if a little stale) content -  a box full of carbs with Crunch Berry goodness - so is every last breathe we take - every last bite we enjoy content?  Hellz No! No bullshit - let's be fucking real!  Let's stop worrying about content and worrying about quality of culture!

Drop your spoon - it's full of bullshit!

I'm in Miami Bitch and I'm a DOOOOUCHEBAAAAAAG!

My new favorite douches are these morons - Miami just lost ALL cred because of these assholes. THE BEAT SOUNDS LIKE GUIDOS FARTING!

Go Johnny Go!

Thank you John Stewart.  Thank you for nailing that asshole Jim Cramer.   I know it's the name of this blog but that fuck is a boneeeFIDE snake oil salesman in the worse sense of the word!

Rat Tails

The Rat Tail
The inner-city equivalent of the mullet.
Please - the only people that are allowed to get away with these are Nietas or Latin Kings from South Brooklyn circa 1985 - 1989.
All you irony starved (supposed) lesbian hispters!  STOP! Lose that shit - you're a VICE Magazine don't!
I don't care if their was one on the L-Word this week!